Parallel Lives, Part 1 & 2.
Two essays about the lives of versions of me that still live inside me and the one that could've been.
The following essays were written back in December 2022, as part of Jeanette LeBlanc's writing workshop.
I am sharing them with you today for two reasons;
I am struggling to put new words down on the page today, struggling to face anything much beyond avoidance and dissociation.
These essays still feel relevant to where I am on my journey with integrating these parts of my history and also finding healing and a new reality for te younger versions of myself, through creating a different reality for my own daughter.
Dear reader,
Part 1.
My body is full of parallel lives, of versions of me from days past, and versions of me that would have been.
I'm living in a parallel right now, of the me that sits here typing this today, and the me that chose to stay quiet, to follow the status quo and not shake everything up. The me who is a good daughter, a good sister and a good tool for their manipulation. The girl who chooses to push it all to the back of her mind and pretends. Who plasters on a fake smile and lives on the surface of her being.
That girl still exists within me, along with many others. The ones who chose a different life, but really no life at all. Because in so many of those parallels, I don't survive.
And that's how I know this path was meant for me, because it's this path, and these choices, and the life it's lead me to that made survival an option. It never was in those other lives.
So maybe I'm still in survival mode, and maybe I will be for a while yet. That's just it. I survived. And that's what this path gave to me.
Part 2.
There is a child that exists, in a parallel life. A child that is joyful, free and unafraid. This child grew up feeling loved and cared for, and never felt afraid in their own home. They feel free and comfortable being who they are and living the life a child should live.
They laugh and sing and dance and create freely and uninhibited, because they know they are safe and loved for who they are, and they are encouraged to express themselves however they wish.
They will grow up feeling secure and confident and safe in the knowledge that they will always be supported by those around them, and they will never have to feel alone.
They will know what it is to be respected and treated well by the lovers they choose for themselves, and they will never feel like they have to please others at their own detriment.
They love themselves and know that they never have to accept any less from anyone else. They only surround themselves with those who treat them the way they know they deserve to be treated. With care, gentleness and respect. And they are comfortable in their bodies and their sexuality. They feel free to express themselves in every way. To play, to talk, to sing, to write and to have sex.
They live fully in their bodies and in their present lives, because they aren't afraid of their bodies and their minds. They know they are safe to be here, in this moment.
And they know that they are free to be who they are and live the life they desire.
Because life taught them so.
Love,
Lulu x