"I'm Not Good Enough."

The messages we internalise as disabled people living in an ableist world.

Dear reader,

“You're not good enough.”

This message has been sent to me from the moment I was born.

Even as a newborn baby I’ve had no choice but to be exposed to messages that tell me that I will never be good enough.

From doctors who were fully convinced that i would never be able to walk, talk or be independent at all.

My parents were told that there was no hope for me and they would be better off putting me in an institution and forgetting about me.

And the messages of my lack of worth and inadequacy continued as I grew up with a father who I was never going to be good enough for, no matter how much I strived to shape myself into the image of the child he wanted. No matter how much I fought to make him proud.

I was never going to be enough.

Not smart enough.
Not able enough.
Not capable enough.
Not athletic enough.
Not sporty enough.
Not talented enough.

Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

And my mother was far too overwhelmed with trying to support my physical wellbeing and advocate for my rights in a healthcare system that is completely inept to support the rights and needs of disabled children.

The late ‘80s/early ‘90s were not a good time to be growing up with any kind of disability and navigating the healthcare system.

Even now, in 2025, there is such a lack of humanity, access, resources and supports for disabled people.

My mother was so overwhelmed by taking this all on, for the most part by herself, that she had no energy left to consider my emotional and psychological wellbeing.

She didn’t have the time, energy or emotional and mental capacity to understand the deep and lasting impact all of these messages of my utter inadequacy were having on my psyche and my sense of self.

I continued to internalise the messages from the outside world until, eventually, after years of having my confidence, self esteem and sense of self and worth completely eroded by society and the people around me that I started to believe, on a fundamental level, that I was not and would never be enough.

The impact that that belief has on me today, as I continue to navigate those deep held beliefs about myself, as well as still having to live in a world that continues to send me the same message and wade through thick and deep muddy waters just to have my voice heard and my rights, needs and necessary supports met in a healthcare system that continues to view disabled people as nothing but a burden, is that it has left me trapped in a deepening pool of self doubt, fear and hopelessness that tells me that, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i work and no matter how many of my stories I write and share with the world, I will never be good enough and I will never measure up to the writers I see producing thought-provoking, well-informed, educated and important work, while all I have to offer is my personal experiences of growing up in a disabled body, in a world that has convinced me that I’ll never be enough for it.
And no one wants to read about my life, right?

So why bother writing my story at all?

Well, if i was to follow the teachings of American author Simon Sinek, that question would point me towards exactly what my “Why” is.

My why is in the idea that disabled voices matter and should be heard, especially on subjects that directly affect them and their wellbeing, quality of life, rights, needs and access to a world that is still largely built for abled people and their needs, leaving those of us with varying types and levels of access needs to struggle for access, equity and a life equal to our abled counterparts.

There is still such a strong emphasis put on it being the disabled person’s responsibility to just woke harder, find a way around things or push ourselves beyond our physical, cognitive, emotional, psychological and mental limits just to achieve the same goals and have access to the same places, experiences and rights as abled people are able to attain with little to no impact on their wellbeing.
Yes, we all have struggles and, yes, we all have to work hard to get ahead in a capitalist society that holds everything we need and desire just out of our reach so that we work harder to continue to feed the machine, but when you add the impact of ableism, lack of access, lack of adequate supports, care and resources to the ring, it becomes a fight that is, at best, extremely difficult and, at worst, completely impossible to win.

There is a reason disabled people are half as likely as abled people to be in paid employment.

Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

One of the main impacts all of this is having on me personally today is that has me in a state of immobility(no pun intended), too afraid my stories, for the very reason that I have been indoctrinated with the belief that I am not enough, my voice doesn’t matter and what i have to say, even about my own life, experience and the similar experience of those in my community that have experienced that ableism, lack of access and battle just to have our most basic needs met, doesn’t count and doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t affect the lives of those who make decisions that affect our lives every single day.

So, rather than speaking of the every day struggles i face even just to do my most basic tasks such as getting around my house to prepare myself and my family meals, shower and get out of the house to see my community, or even build a community outside of my own family at all, I stay silent and keep my pain, physical and emotional, to myself and don’t speak up about any of the entirely moveable obstacles keeping me isolated and struggling even more with my mental health than ever.

I could be sharing the stories of all of the struggles I have faced due to my disability and chronic illness over the past few years, including a knee injury that the doctors decided was not worth treating at the time of injury and has now caused extensive, possibly irreparable damage to the ligaments, cartilage and knee joints, causing extreme levels of physical pain and further disability and lack of mobility.

I could share about the Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis I received a year ago that causes me daily nerve pain, neuropathy, brain fog, chronic fatigue, short term memory loss and other cognitive issues.

The fact that I have to go to the hospital every six weeks to spend an hour being pumped full of drugs to prevent further progression of these symptoms, as well as taking multiple daily medications to keep those that I already deal with under control.

I could share stories of the struggles I have with the side effects of the treatment, including decreased immunity to illness, making me more vulnerable to serious illness and complications from viruses like Covid 19, which apparently the majority of people seem to believe is no longer a threat, despite the fact that thousands are still being hospitalised with it daily.

Or the increased risk of infection thst has caused me multiple UTIs over the past few months, as well as my second chronic infection in my heel that, due to me already having had my heel bone completely removed due to a previous infection, could have easily caused me to lose my foot completely.

Speaking of which, the current knee injury i am dealing with now carries with it the prospect of an extensive knee replacement surgery that, if my comprised immune system causes me to get an post operative infection in the knee, there is a possibility it may result in the need for an above the knee amputation.

And don’t even get me started on how much the recovery and rehabilitation, as well as the long-term impact of an amputation would have on my ability to get around and in and out of my house, given the lack of practical and safety supports and financial assistance available to disabled people within our healthcare system, disability services and government welfare system.

I’m married to someone who earns a income above the very low bar for benefit cut off and, god forbid, we have a couple of thousand dollars put away to protect us and our daughter’s wellbeing, should anything unforeseen happen.

But i chose to be in a commited relationship, so I’m not entitled to financial independance.

Luckily for me, said relationship isn’t abusive or controlling, or I’d be stuck living with the abuse, having no financial support to get out.

And this is the circumstances for far too many disabled people in this country and worldwide.

We are seen as nothing but a burden on society and an unnecessary hindrance to the perfectly oiled machine that is our system that put profit over humanity and would rather disappear disability and disabled people into oblivion, so that those in power and those who support the system contining to erase the existence and experiences of disabled people don’t have to be forced to face their own mortality and fragile grip on their own physical, mental and cognitive wellness and ability.

It’s much easier to just forget we are all human and vulnerable to things like life circumstances, illness and aging.

Because god forbid we consider the idea that the vast majority of us will experience some form of disability at some stage in our lives and that making the world accessible for all benefits every single one of us and hurts literally no one.
Isn’t it about time we stopped viewing disability as a burden on society and started seeing different bodies, minds and ways of existing in the world as a valuable part of a working society and adjusted the bar to make it reachable for everyone to live the life they desire?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Love,

Lulu x