"I Don't Feel Safe."

The message my body sends to my psyche when I don't feel like I am being listened to or my boundaries are being crossed.

Dear reader,

One of the main things I have learned throughout my 8 year therapy journey is how to listen to the messages that my body sends me when I feel triggered.

My body and I have a far from perfect relationship and I am still learning to listen to all of the messages they have for me and how to respond to those messages, but one thing that has become clear to me is that, when I feel like my boundaries are being crossed, in whatever way, or if I feel like my needs, desires or emotions are not being heard or listened to, my body sends me the same recurring message;

“You are not safe.”

And when my body sends that message back to my brain, my brain responds by shutting down my logical, rational mind and my amygdala, the part of my brain responsible for emotions and emotional memory comes onboard and brings back all of the emotional memories of the times in my past when I haven't felt safe.

When all of those emotional memories come flooding back and my logical brain switches off, it is damn near impossible for me to tell myself that what is happening in this moment is not a dangerous situation and that my husband, as a common example, doesn't actually mean me any harm and that I am not unsafe with him.

When I begin feeling unsafe, there is an automatic response that I learned early on that happens in my amygdala to protect myself from the fear and perceived danger that I am sensing in my nervous system.

Anger.

And I am not talking the every day annoyance, frustration or irritation that one might feel towards their spouse when they do something you don’t appreciate.

I am talking full blown burning, seering rage.

In a split second, I feel it taking over me.

My body tenses up, my jaw clenches and my chest and shoulders tighten with the intensity of a wild animal who feels like their life is in danger. Because that is how I feel in those moments, like my life, or at the very least, my physical well-being, is at threat.

And, like a wild animal, when I feel that looming threat to my well-being, I lash out. Usually verbally, but also sometimes physically.

It is not an intentional choice to lash out, it is a very real and raw trauma response to feeling like the real danger that I experienced in the past is present when I feel the sense of the perceived danger.

I am able to rationalise, after the initial trigger, that I am not actually in danger and that my response was not appropriate to the present situation, which usually puts me into yet another trauma response of feeling a deep sense of shame.

The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between “I am bad” and “I did something bad”.

Brene Brown

This response triggers thoughts about how I am a bad wife, a bad person and I don’t deserve to be loved or cared about.

It sends the message that, not only did I do something shameful and bad, I am shameful and bad.

And this only causes me to shut down again. To push my husband away out of shame and a belief that I don’t deserve his love and care.

Essentially, I revert back to being the small child who is told by the people who are supposed to love and care for them that they are not worthy of that love and care, either directly or indirectly. Which leaves me believing, in the present moment, that I am undeserving of love and care from the one person who I love and trust the most in the world: my husband.

I end up isolating myself from him, out of shame, which only sends me into yet another trauma response of feeling the same feeling of being completely alone and uncared for that I felt growing up.

So, something seemingly completely innocent , from my husbands point of view, can trigger a spiral of trauma responses that leave me feeling completely alone and full of shame, which can send me into a deep state of pain, isolation and depression.

In extreme cases, it has even been known to send me into a spiral so deep and dark that it triggers one of my deepest and most toxic core beliefs;

“You’re a burden. Everyone would be better off if you weren’t around.”

This core belief is behind the majority of the times in my life when I have believed that suicide really was the best option, not just for me, but for the people around me.

It has gotten me far too close to not being here writing this essay today, far too many times.

However, through many years of therapy and processing these deep trauma wounds through writing and sharing my stories with the world, as well as the 15 years of unwavering support I have received from my husband and being absolutely blessed by being able to parent the most amazing, albeit sassy as fuck, daughter in the world, I have gotten to a point where I am able to remind myself that those core beliefs, although still present, are not the reality.

I know I am loved.

I know I am cared for.

And I know that I am deserving of that love and care and of the life I have built for myself and my daughter, through all of the pain, trauma and triggers.

Now, that is something that I can absolutely be proud of myself for.

And I am.

I fucking am.

Love,

Lulu x