A Split Second.
That's all it takes for your entire life to change forever.
Dear reader,
The past few weeks has had me in a space, mentally and emotionally, where I have been questioning many things
Parts of my life and reality that I was previously so sure about and believed I had complete resolve in.
I even began to question whether the life I have struggled so much and been through so much to create for myself is really what I want.
I've had moments of wanting to throw it all away and start from scratch.
I've been battling a deep sense of cognitive dissonance and doubt, even desperation at times, about my relationships my passions, my goals and my life path in general.
And then, suddenly, as if out of nowhere yesterday was the 16 year anniversary of the first time my husband and I met in person.
And, since that day, we have barely spent a day apart.
It got me thinking about all the ways in which my life, my reality and my sense of self and my life has changed since I met him.
Things have been hard, no doubt about it, and, honestly, things are not where I want them to be with us and our relationship right now, which is why I have been questioning everything - because, if things are feeling this heavy between me and the one person I've always regarded as the one person I can truly trust in the world, where do I go from here?
When I began to be honest with myself and do some work with my inner world and the younger parts of myself, I realised that a lot of what I was feeling and the thoughts I was having were coming from a place within my inner world where I feared letting anyone close enough to see the real me and my emotions and triggers.
The younger part of me who hates men, doesn't trust anyone, especially men, and doesn't want anything to do with the true vulnerability that is required to let another person into your inner world and the deepest emotions and experiences that you have locked away, even from yourself, for decades.
This younger part wanted nothing to do with it. And she believes that she is protecting all of us by keeping everyone as far away as possible.
But, in reality, while it may have kept us safe from harm in the past, what it is now doing is isolating us and only causing us to feel more alone and unloved and uncared about.
Just like we have felt for all these years since she first joined our inner world.
And, just to be clear, I am in no way blaming that part of myself for doing what she had to do to keep herself safe.
I am only suggesting that what has kept us safe in the past from very real harm is now only serving to keep us separate and isolated from those that I want to have close, intimate relationships with, now that the harm that once existed is no longer present.
While there may be many triggers that exist within our current reality that remind those younger parts of me of the pain and trauma from a time that they are still very much existing in, that pain and trauma no longer exists in the present.
However, telling my younger parts that there is no longer anything to be afraid of and that they are safe from harm now is not enough to convince them that it is safe to let their walls down and let people close to us.
It will take work - the work of showing them the proof and evidence that they are safe and dedicating time and energy into being the caregiver in their lives thst they needed when and where the trauma originated.
It's not going to be a quick or simple process, but it will be a worthwhile one, when we are able to work collaboratively and begin to feel safe in the world and with those that I love and want to be close and intimate with.
I spent yesterday morning thinking about all of the things I have wanted to say to my husband for so long, but have let the fear that exists within our inner world keep me silent.
As you can probably imagine, writing things down has become a safety net for the vulnerability of saying out loud my deepest feelings and thoughts to those I wish to communicate with, so I decided writing him a email felt safer and slightly less vulnerable than talking to him face to face and speaking the words out loud.
After I'd sent the email, he came home and shared a news story with me and the connection he had to it,which only further reminded me of how important it was that I made the effort to work on my triggers and trauma regarding letting in and worked towards letting him get close to me.
The news story was about a woman who lives couple of hours up north from where we live being hit by a truck that swerved onto the footpath and killed instantly.
The reason my husband felt so affected by it was because the husband of the woman who died is someone who works at the branch of his company up north and he has interacted with him through work several times.
Just after the accident happened, the man had said to one of my husband's colleagues that he couldn't get hold of his wife and he had gone home to find that she wasn't there.
At this time, they hadn't confirmed it was her that was involved in the accident, but it didn't look good.
All my husband could do was wait until work the next day to hear whether the news was confirmed.
And, sadly, I got a text from him this morning sharing the news that it was, in fact, his wife who had died.
I didn't even know the woman, nor have I ever met her husband, but still, I found myself crying over the sheer heartbreak of knowing that a woman had died in such a tragic and sudden way and that her husband and their children were now grieving their wife and mother.
It was a timely reminder of just how unpredictable life can be and how a cruel twist of fate can change everything in a split second.
It was also a very poignant reminder to appreciate those in my life who offer me love, comfort, safety and unwavering care and support, such as my husband.
A reminder that all of the things I've wished for on so many nights of trauma and pain I now have right in front of me.
And there is far too much at stake to take that for granted.
Because it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
Love,
Lulu xx